Is it that I am a slow learner...
or is it that I just have old age memory issues...
cause the Lord continually shows up...
and I seem to continually forget...
I can't seem to make it from one miracle to the next without lapsing back into that place of fear and doubt, clinging to my daily portion of manna as if He would not provide again tomorrow.
It is a place where we know we should not live from, but a place where our flesh tends to want to take us.
This fleshy place was where I found myself three mornings ago...
this place of fear and doubt...
questioning the Lord's plan for us, for our family... fear-full of earthly concerns and doubting that He would continue to reveal Himself to us through the worldliness I found myself operating from yet again!
Would that I would show the same patience, mercy and grace with my children as the Lord has with me.
I cried out to Him that morning and by that afternoon...
He had answered and no one in that room was dry eyed...
but let me back up a bit here.
At the beginning of the summer, Hubby and I made the decision to hire an independent tester for Maggie to better help us to understand exactly what our sweet girl could understand, exactly what she might be capable of - or not.
It truly did not matter to us at all what the results were but it would better help us to help her.
We have fought very hard to get the girls in the general education classroom as much as possible but they were struggling, especially Maggie, and we needed to know how best she learned and how best to help her to learn.
Imagine - cerebral palsy, motion disorder, speech disorder no prior schooling and learning a new language... all at the same time!
yeah...
During Hubby's time as a teacher at the boys' school, he was present at several IEP meetings where he became friends with "C", the special education teacher there, and was introduced to "T", an independent tester, whose testing results and recommendations made an impression.
It was this tester that we turned to, when at the end of the school year, we were frustrated and frightened for our girls and their futures.
We knew in our hearts that Maggie was capable of so much more...
that there was so much more understanding and learning going on that was just unable to be tapped into because of the herculean effort that it takes my baby girl to speak or to write or just to control her body.
After several testing sessions over the summer, we were scheduled to hear the results Thursday afternoon.
Of course, it was Thursday morning that I found myself consumed in that fleshy place of doubt and fear, crying out to the Lord for answers...
Why Lord, did you call Hubby to teach at the boys' school for 2 years?
Why would You put him there Lord, knowing a teacher's salary would never sustain a family of 9!
Why would he have to stay there Lord, while we depleted so much more of our savings?
Why?
Yes, Thursday morning I was in this world and of this world...
*not pretty y'all*
but by Thursday afternoon, the Lord had so beautifully answered each question that the world melted away!
As we sat in that room and listened to the results and learned about the connections that the Lord had provided...
we, the three of us, Hubby, "T" the tester and I, had to just stop and let it all soak in.
Not only did we learn that Miss Maggie is more than able to learn and given the right tools and measurements, more than able to keep up with her peers...
but we also learned that "T" the tester is a believer and that she had cried out to the Lord as well, only it was over testing our Maggie! She struggled with the fact that she had to throw out all the rules, that she had to research and develop other methods of testing for our girlie, that she had to sit and be incredibly patient as Maggie worked so hard to read 100 1st grade words and then 100 2nd grade words and then 100 3rd grade words, that she could feel the exhaustion after that session and could understand Maggie's level of output each and every day. Yes, at one point she wanted to give up and cried out to the Lord asking why? Why had He given her this difficult case, why?
Then we learned that "T" the tester just happened to be good friends with "C" the special ed teacher at the boys' school - you know the school that the Lord kept Hubby at for 2 years...
and that "T" began to understand the Lord's answers to her questions when she thought to ask "C" the special ed teacher to help us by attending Maggie's next IEP at school to help the school to better understand why we needed to fight so hard for Maggie because you see...
C's hubby also has cerebral palsy...
WOW
C's hubby is in a wheel chair and has movement and speech struggles...
just like Maggie...
but he is a hubby and a dad and an employee who supports his family!
WOW
C's hubby was Maggie as a kid y'all!
What we will be asking for to help Maggie is extreme and "out of the box" so the fact that the Lord brought us together with this amazing tester and this amazing special ed teacher and her amazing hubby...
well, I had my answers and I knew the Lord was once again reassuring me and getting me ready for the next step out of the boat...
cause it may be a biggie y'all and it may not be just about Maggie and her diploma...
but the road before us with Maggie and possibly Lucy as well, will not be easy.
Easy would be to just let them continue on and rest in the inertia of doing nothing but we know that the easy road is not what He has called us to, prepared us for.
So we stop at these heavenly reveals and just soak in the presence of the Lord and all of His goodness.
I know there will be other moments of doubt and fear as this journey continues but with each reveal, each soaking in, the doubts and the fears grow weaker and have less and less control over our hearts.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
Thank you Lord for giving Maggie and Lucy a hope and a future and for gifting me a purpose!
