Cerebral Palsy just sucks...
and sometimes no matter what we say or try to do...
it just sucks...
not because God somehow messed up but because it is a fallen world where there is pain and hardship and...
disappointment...
Ever since Lucy has been home, she has watched her siblings play soccer.
For years, she has cheered them on and for years...
she has wanted to play soccer, just like 3 of her brothers...
and 2 of her sisters.
At half time, she heads out to the field with her willing siblings and tries so hard to make those legs work, to keep her balance and to run...
sometimes I think that is Lucy's greatest desire...
to be like everyone else and just run.
It can be hard to watch but I have also watched in awe as Lucy's determination inspires those who didn't even realize that they needed inspiring.
We talk about that a lot.
She knows that one day, she will be totally and completely healed in heaven, that she will run into the arms of Jesus when her time in this life is done.
She knows that God is good and that she is "fearfully and wonderfully made" and that the Lord will use all of this for His purposes and His glory.
She knows that He could heal her right now, right here in this life, but she also knows that He may not...
She knows that there is a job for her, a purpose and that the Lord has provided her the strength and courage to be His hands and feet, to inspire others through her joy and her determination.
She knows that every time she falls down - and - gets - back - up...
she is fulfilling a purpose and showing others what it means to love Jesus and to find her joy in that unimaginable love.
She is also, however, 9 years old and while all these things are tucked away in her heart...
there are times when she just wants to be 9 years old and do "normal" 9 year old stuff...
and soccer was part of the picture of "normal" for her.
Surely as soon as she had a team...
surely as soon as she had a jersey...
surely as soon as she had cleats and shin guards...
surely as soon as she stepped on to that field...
she would be "normal"... just like everyone else... just like her siblings.
So, after a couple of years of searching and even trying to start something ourselves, we found a team.
Lucy was so excited.
I was nervous.
I wanted it to be wonderful, to be everything she had been dreaming of...
but sometimes dreams don't come true, not the way we want them to or think they should.
It was an awesome program.
Those who were leading it were wonderful and so excited to share what they were doing with Lucy...
but it just wasn't the "normal" she was longing for.
It was a good program but it didn't "fix" her legs.
It was a good program but she still fell down.
It was a good program but her walker got in the way.
It was a good program but she still could not run.
It was a good program but she still had cerebral palsy....
We will go back and she will play again cause that is just Lucy.
This precious child, who only 5 years ago had never heard the name of Jesus, loves Him so completely and so fully that she will continue to get - back - up, with a smile on her face that so beautifully reflects that love.
Yep, CP sucks and this is hard.
There is so much emotion and energy poured out onto my kiddos, every single day and there are some days that I look at those around me and I too long for "normal".
I imagine the athlete Lucy would have been.
I imagine the songs Maggie would sing.
I imagine the sights that Will would see.
I imagine healed wounds for Lizzie.
I imagine the family vacations that never were, the earthly possessions that were never purchased and the retirement account that would never have been drained.
Yep, this is hard but it is within those moments of longing that the Lord ministers to me.
What a gift this is. It is raw and it hurts but what a gift.
So many people don't get to feel this. So many people have "normal" but they have become numb.
The Lord takes those moments of longing for "normal" and transforms them into moments of longing for Him. It is within the moments of pain and hurt and struggle and disappointments that God's love for us is the clearest.
So we - keep - getting - up...
and Lucy inspires us to keep smiling and loving and trusting that one day she will run and Maggie will sing and Will will see and Lizzie will be healed and we will no longer long.
Keep fighting baby girl.
CP sucks but you are not defined by the limitations if your body.
Love this from Joni Erickson Tada
God is working in you and through you sweet one...
