Sunday Snapshot - Mousey

If you look at  the picture in my header, you will notice a really soft little pink mouse.  Not the kind named Jerry that runs from Tom while trying to snag a bite of cheese or the kind that make you scream and jump on top of a chair (not that I would know anything about that at all - really!!), but the kind that soothes a litttle girl's fears.  The kind of mousey that calms her, comforts her and gives her a connection to her younger years, to the time in her life when she finally found the love of a family. 

That is one powerful connection, and now, that connection, that comfort, that security is gone and my sweet Lizzie is left with a void - again.

Mousey was given to Lizzie by her Marney while we were still in China.

It was love at first sight for Lizzie and Mousey has been by her side ever since.

Mousey saw Lizzie through each and every clubfoot cast,

and there were 18 of them.

That little pink mouse was there for both of Lizzie's hand surgeries,

and was even allowed to accompany her to the O.R.

I am her mother and I wasn't even allowed to do that, for pete's sake!

For 2 years, mousey has been Lizzie's constant companion, confidant, and friend but now is gone.

One day at the end of the school year (yeah, not crazy at all!), Lizzie lost her beloved friend.

We searched and searched and searched but could not find her Mousey anywhere.  Lizzie was heartbroken as was I, but I was not going to give up.  This was Mousey and Lizzie needed her, so the search continued but by the time I thought to look in the one place we had not looked, it was too late.

You see, the girls and I go the library quite frequently and on one of those visits, Lizzie must have left her Mousey behind.  We went back with hope in our hearts, only to find that the lost and found box was gone.  No one seemed to know what had happened to it so we checked back - often - until one day the head library dude, apparently in charge of all things, lost was there and...

he told me what I had dreaded hearing - that Lizzie's sweet friend had been thrown away - in the trash!  She didn't even make it to the Goodwill box!!  My heart sank and the tears started - not from Lizzie but from me!  I could not believe my reaction and the deep sadness that I was feeling for my daughter.

As I sit here with the tears stremming down my face yet again, I just cannot stand the thought of the loss that Lizzie is having to deal with - again!   My darling, brave, courageous, strong little one has had more loss to deal with in her 4 years of life than I have ever had and the fact that she is having to deal with this again is more than this Mother's heart can take.  I know it was just a stuffed mouse but to Lizzie it was so much more. 

All of my kids had their special loveys and had them at a very young age.  I could see the comfort that these loveys brought to my kids.  Many times it was as if their loveys could magically transport them back to the time in their lives where, as infants, all their needs were met and the toughest part of their day was a diaper change.

Lizzie never had that part of her infancy.  She never had all of her needs met.  She never could associate the smell of a special lovey with being held lovingly by her Momma - until Mousey and until we found her and  brought her home and met all her needs and held her lovingly.

So my heart is broken for my daughter. 

We have searched for a replacement, which I know will never be the same.  We will never find the mousey with the rip in her tail and the pizza stain on her face, but it would be better than this - than nothing.  We have searched but have not found one single little pink mousey.  The company that made her, has stopped making them and we cannot find one anywhere. 

I know Lizzie will survive and I am probably making more of this than I should but, would that I could make it all better for her, just as I wanted to make it all better for her when I held her for the first time, because I am her Momma and that's just what Mommas do.

If anyone out there recognizes this little pink mousey and knows where I can find one, please let this broken hearted Momma know and I will do whatever it takes to heal this loss...

Cause I know I can never totally heal her first loss, although I will never stop trying, cause I am Lizzie's Momma and that's just what I do.

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