The "what if's" swirl around in my heart...
What if we had said no...
What if we had ignored that still small voice telling us to go...
What if the business of our lives had drowned out the beauty of His promise...
I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.
and the clarity of His directive...
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
This fallen world leaves a residue that is difficult to wash clean, a sludge that clouds what is pure and faultless.
What if we had believed the lies...
We spent many years guided by those lies, the lies that pollute our hearts so much that we cannot see...
we cannot see their faces....
we don't want to see their faces...
because once our eyes have been opened...
we have no excuse...
once our eyes have been opened...
it may wreck us, wreck our "perfect" lives and wreck our blissfully ignorant hearts.
It has been a year since Will came home and the "what if's" haunt me...
What if...
Two little words that carry so much consequence.
What if I don't do the laundry?
Well, no one would have clean clothes.
What if I don't go to the grocery store?
Well, we would have to eat the can of clam chowder that has been sitting in our pantry for a few years now!
There are so many "what if's" in our lives but the "what if'" in an orphan's life can mean life or death and that gets lost on me most days as we struggle to maintain "normal" in a world that tells us we are so not...
but when it is quiet, the "what if's", my children's "what if's", settle in and I get lost in the reality that they faced without me and the "normal" we would be lost in without them.
Because we would be lost, still believing that we were "good" enough, still loving and living superficially and never going deeper than what was comfortable.
Have you ever seen the hurt in the eyes of one of your biological children, one who has not known true suffering, as she hears her brother and sister casually share about their past beatings?
What if her heart had never been given the chance to grow outside of her own comfort?
What if our conversations had never gone past our selves...
What if...
I think most people can grasp the dire consequence for an orphan who never comes home, but what is more inconvenient to acknowledge is the "what if" for the family, that forever family who never brings that orphan home, that forever family who averts their eyes and their hearts...
because looking into the eyes of a hurting child wrecks you, wrecks your comfort, wrecks your normal and most families don't want to be wrecked.
What if...
Our children's "what if" carried tragic earthly consequences but our family's "what if" may have likely carried tragic eternal consequences.
What if we begin to recognize that Jesus didn't die on the cross so we could live in comfort, take yearly vacations and cocoon our families from the broken-ness in this world.
What if YOU were to ask me about adoption...
Two little words that carry so much consequence.
What if I don't do the laundry?
Well, no one would have clean clothes.
What if I don't go to the grocery store?
Well, we would have to eat the can of clam chowder that has been sitting in our pantry for a few years now!
There are so many "what if's" in our lives but the "what if'" in an orphan's life can mean life or death and that gets lost on me most days as we struggle to maintain "normal" in a world that tells us we are so not...
but when it is quiet, the "what if's", my children's "what if's", settle in and I get lost in the reality that they faced without me and the "normal" we would be lost in without them.
Because we would be lost, still believing that we were "good" enough, still loving and living superficially and never going deeper than what was comfortable.
Have you ever seen the hurt in the eyes of one of your biological children, one who has not known true suffering, as she hears her brother and sister casually share about their past beatings?
What if her heart had never been given the chance to grow outside of her own comfort?
What if our conversations had never gone past our selves...
What if...
I think most people can grasp the dire consequence for an orphan who never comes home, but what is more inconvenient to acknowledge is the "what if" for the family, that forever family who never brings that orphan home, that forever family who averts their eyes and their hearts...
because looking into the eyes of a hurting child wrecks you, wrecks your comfort, wrecks your normal and most families don't want to be wrecked.
What if...
Our children's "what if" carried tragic earthly consequences but our family's "what if" may have likely carried tragic eternal consequences.
What if we begin to recognize that Jesus didn't die on the cross so we could live in comfort, take yearly vacations and cocoon our families from the broken-ness in this world.
What if YOU were to ask me about adoption...
The “What Ifs” are total nightmares...I look at your beautiful family & all of the blessings that each of your children are to your family & to each other & think how tragic it would have been for all of them had you not followed your heart...especially when I think about Will & how close he came to aging out & almost missed getting to be a part of all that love & family has to offer!
ReplyDeleteI look at all of my kiddos and love how their lives have been molded by having each other...I continue to watch our family grow & I sometimes think “what if” I didn’t follow my heart...It was a long road to growing the family I have & I look at all I would have missed had I just done the easy thing & accepted things as it was & didn’t step outside the norm... in many ways I fought for each of my kiddos...the first was the year long struggle to become a mom in the first place...the second child...the fertility issues & 4 1/2 years of trying everything to become pregnant again & I still believe to this day that it finally happened when I decided to just stop trying & accept that I will have more kiddos just through adoption which was ALWAYS my life long dream anyway...but that’s when baby 2 finally happened...& child three...finally getting started With adoption & getting that beautiful 9 month old put in my arms...wow...just wow...I finally got my baby girl...after a few years my heart kept telling me that our forth child was waiting & needed me...& I found her...the agency said she wasn’t available but I kept telling them she was my daughter & a month later she was the one we were running to...just imagine the “what if’s“ especially since her special needs & diagnosis wasn’t part of our plan but the message I got was loud & clear...she was my daughter!! I honestly only briefly let myself think about the what if’s because most of the time I’m loving the wow moments that are unfolding in my awesome family each day!!
Just imagine how blessed others lives could be if they just opened their hearts & homes to the What if’s of adoption...several lives could be truly blessed all at once by just saying yes to a child that needs a family!
Hugs!
Connie, I love this! Isn't it awesome how adoptive Mommas just have that bond of knowing! You know my heart breaks for these kiddos but my heart is also broken for all of the many many families who have turned their back, closed their ears and their hearts and never knew the beauty in the brokenness and how God is so glorified through it all! How blessed are we sweet friend!
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