Happy Birthday Lizzie

My dearest Lizzie, ten years ago, you were born…

and oh how I rejoice.

Eight years ago we brought you home…

and oh how I am thankful.

Your life did not begin with the comfort, the security and the love that it was meant to but I am thankful to the brave woman who chose to give you life and I am thankful to the One who chose to give you to me!

I look at your beautiful face now and yearn, with an intense, breath-taking type of yearning, to have been able to look into that precious face 10 years ago…

but I trust, with an intense, breath-taking type of trust, the One who was there with you, holding you, loving you and gazing into that beautiful face when I could not…

I am thankful for the heart glimpses that He gave me as I waited and the heart glimpses that He still gifts to me as we struggle to make up for the 2 years that we missed with you, as we understand the enormity of that missing and as we begin to understand our inability to “make up” for anything...

but from all of this we also begin to understand the Lord’s ability to heal and the Lord’s ability to use the hurt and the broken-ness to connect us as we are all broken and we all have hurts…

and we are connected my darling, you and I, we are connected in a way that only the Lord could orchestrate.

I remain in a state of awe and wonder as the Lord bridges that gap, that chasm that grew from circumstances and distance and deep heart hurts.

Most days, I have to remind myself that your beginning was not with me…

as the chasm continues to be filled, I have to stop and step into a consciousness that my heart does not want to enter, that enormity of missing that formed your hurts that first 2 years.

I have to remind myself as the Lord so beautifully weaves you into my heart…

I have to remind myself…

but you don’t…

you remember and those conscious steps into your reality become vital.

Sweet baby girl, as we celebrate your birth, your beginning and your beginning with us…

I remind myself…

I give my grief to the Lord...

and I rejoice…

I rejoice in the gift that we were given so many years ago…

on that day when our hurts collided and we became mother and daughter, forever minus two years... but forever all the same.

Sweet girl, the Lord breathed you into my heart, just as my heart began to be defined.

Trust in His plans for you my darling as it was that intense, breath-taking trust that opened my heart to the beautiful journey that lay ahead, the journey that began with you!

Happy birthday to my precious Lizzie!

The Graduate

The day has come and gone...

tears were shed and congratulations were given...

and my eldest is now an official high school graduate!

Today, I am doing OK...

I am so proud of the incredible young man Christian has grown into...

I am so excited to see what path the Lord lays out before him...

and I am thankful that he will not be too far away next year...

so today...  I am doing ok...

ask me again in late August...

sniff sniff...

As I was getting ready for the day, getting ready to let my heart go, I found my thoughts drifting back to the beginning with him...

and as I drifted, I found myself on a heart journey through the past 18 years of memories...

pictures and videos and then remembrances and conversations that were birthed out of 18 years of loving and laughing and sharing life together.

As the Lord led me down this memory laden, thanksgiving worthy journey...

He kept bringing me back to one night with Christian...

one night before I truly knew His voice but one night that I truly heard Him...

this flowed from that memory...

Dearest Christian. Over the past 18 years, I have watched as you have grown from an adorable curly haired little boy who needed me to rock him to sleep every night, into a handsome, strong, independent 18 year old who really doesn’t need me for much anymore... 

except maybe for spreading cream cheese on your bagels. 

*inside joke* 

I remember all those nights that I rocked you to sleep (there were many) but one night, when you were around 2 years old, stands out as you had cried out for me multiple times and I was tired. 

 I remember though, holding you and rocking you and reminding myself to soak it all in as it had seemed as if you had only just been born yesterday and here you were 2 years old already! 

 I remember feeling a strange yearning and longing for this time with you that had not even passed yet, that we were still in the midst of and still I knew so well in my heart how I would eventually miss that time with you and that in the very next moment, you would be a handsome, strong, independent young man...

and not really need me for much anymore. 

 And now, here we are and you are getting ready to start the adventure that will be your life and I am so excited to see what the Lord has planned for you my darling...

but there is a part of my heart that will forever be in that rocking chair, in that room on 1185 Plantation Lane, holding that adorable curly haired little boy... 

who just needed me to rock him to sleep.

Know that wherever your life takes you, you’ll be in my heart – always.

Thank you Lord for showing me how to give my heart all while preparing me to release it.

Do not be conformed to this world, (dearest Christian) but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2

Love you always...  Mom

P.S. All of this was made into a Christian Graduation Movie so if there is anyone (other than grands) who would like to sit through a 15 min montage of Christian's first 18 years (hehe), just let me know and I can send you the link.