Friday, June 17, 2011

This Day...

Today, June 17th, I find myself thinking of a woman, a woman who is far away and unknown to me and although she is unknown to me, I can guess that this far away woman is tiny, very tiny with straight black hair and a large personality.


I can guess that she has a huge heart in her tiny body and I can only guess that her heart hurts a little more on this day every year.

I imagine that she is impatient with a temper to boot - a firecracker - and I also imagine that she loves BIG, with her whole heart and that this day, June 17th, is the hardest on her fierce heart.

My heart hurts for this woman and for my child, whose life was completely changed 5 years ago on this day.

Honestly, I find myself thinking of this woman more on this day than on my child's birthday.

Lizzie's birthday is a time for celebration, but not this day.

Do you know that we visited the spot, the spot where my child was found, on the very day that she was found, 2 years earlier? We took pictures so that we could remember. We took pictures of the building, we took pictures of the very busy street but when our guide asked us if we would like for her to take a picture of us in the spot where our child had been found, we said no.

It did not seem right.

We did not belong in that spot. It was her spot, hers and Lizzie's.

We were not there to smile for the camera, that would feel to much like a celebration and we were not there to celebrate the loss that our child had suffered or the loss that this woman had suffered.

We were there to begin the healing process for Lizzie. We were there to learn all that we could about our child's life, pre us, to fill in the gaps, the pieces of the puzzle, for us and for her.

So on this day my thoughts turn to this woman whom I do not know, but somehow, in a beautiful way, do know. We pray for this woman and her family every night - with Lizzie. I want Lizzie to know that it is ok to talk about this family, her birth family, that is ok to wonder about them and grieve for them. I want her to know that it is ok to want to try and fill in the rest of the puzzle pieces when she is older - that we will support and help her as much as we can.

It is so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that our joy came out of such great loss, that the very thing that may have been the reason for the decision that was made on this day, is the very thing that drew us to her, that told us that she was our daughter.

On this day, I will repost the video I made for our precious child after she had been home for a year. I hope that it acknowledges her loss and celebrates her future, a future that she would not have had without that heartbreaking decision and the loss felt by a woman, a far away woman with a tiny body and a huge heart.

video

We love you sweet Lizzie - forever!

6 comments:

  1. Oh my gracious! What a beautiful video for your precious Lizzie! I boohoo'd through the whole thing. :)

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  2. How beautiful! What a blessing Lizzie is !
    Nicole

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  3. Annie, you are an angel. I love your selfless heart. As you know, we have yet to adopt, but I often wonder if there is a lady somewhere in the world who I too will share a heart with for a child. It's a miracle. I too will pray for Lizzie's bio family, that they may come to know our Savior and meet sweet Lizzie one day face to face again. She is so blessed to have a mom like you. I think that your honesty and openness is such a gift to her. Xo, rebecca

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  4. Oh how watching your video brings all those memories flooding back! What a beautiful gift for your daughter. We can never begin to understand all that the birth mothers have gone through and continue to go through...all we can do is remain humbly grateful. Blessings to you and your family!

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  5. Thank you for sharing your heart with the rest of us. A treasure!

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  6. This post is so beautiful! I can't imagine how difficult and mysterious it must be that neither you nor Lizzie will ever know this woman who made such an incredible impact on you both - at least not in this life. I agree that her heart must have been enormous to give up her little one in the hopes that she might have a better life, and if she were to know where Lizzie is right now and how she is loved more than words could ever describe, I know that her loss would still ache but it would bring her so much joy.

    May I ask what you call Lizzie's birth mom when you and Lizzie pray for her? My cousin's parents don't talk about her birthparents at all (although, due to her history of physical/sexual abuse, it's a very difficult topic but her infancy/toddlerhood is something she is starting to ask ME questions about as she gets older - I refer her back to my aunt and uncle but I get the sense she feels little freedom to discuss it with them) and I'm just curious about the terminology you use.

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