Today, June 17th, I find myself thinking of a woman, a woman who is far away and unknown to me and although she is unknown to me, I can guess that this far away woman is tiny, very tiny with straight black hair and a large personality.
I can guess that she has a huge heart in her tiny body and I can only guess that her heart hurts a little more on this day every year.
I imagine that she is impatient with a temper to boot - a firecracker - and I also imagine that she loves BIG, with her whole heart and that this day, June 17th, is the hardest on her fierce heart.
My heart hurts for this woman and for my child, whose life was completely changed 5 years ago on this day.
Honestly, I find myself thinking of this woman more on this day than on my child's birthday.
Lizzie's birthday is a time for celebration, but not this day.
Do you know that we visited the spot, the spot where my child was found, on the very day that she was found, 2 years earlier? We took pictures so that we could remember. We took pictures of the building, we took pictures of the very busy street but when our guide asked us if we would like for her to take a picture of us in the spot where our child had been found, we said no.
It did not seem right.
We did not belong in that spot. It was her spot, hers and Lizzie's.
We were not there to smile for the camera, that would feel to much like a celebration and we were not there to celebrate the loss that our child had suffered or the loss that this woman had suffered.
We were there to begin the healing process for Lizzie. We were there to learn all that we could about our child's life, pre us, to fill in the gaps, the pieces of the puzzle, for us and for her.
So on this day my thoughts turn to this woman whom I do not know, but somehow, in a beautiful way, do know. We pray for this woman and her family every night - with Lizzie. I want Lizzie to know that it is ok to talk about this family, her birth family, that is ok to wonder about them and grieve for them. I want her to know that it is ok to want to try and fill in the rest of the puzzle pieces when she is older - that we will support and help her as much as we can.
It is so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that our joy came out of such great loss, that the very thing that may have been the reason for the decision that was made on this day, is the very thing that drew us to her, that told us that she was our daughter.
On this day, I will repost the video I made for our precious child after she had been home for a year. I hope that it acknowledges her loss and celebrates her future, a future that she would not have had without that heartbreaking decision and the loss felt by a woman, a far away woman with a tiny body and a huge heart.
We love you sweet Lizzie - forever!