Broken Can Be Beautiful

Have you ever had to pray through every single decision that you make about your child, every single word that you say, every single reaction that you have? 

Trauma parenting requires prayer, a lot of prayer and even though I trust and even though I have experienced God's faithfulness and even though I know that He is working it all out for His good and His glory and that He will take all of our broken-ness and turn it into something so beautiful...

I still second guess every single word...

I still doubt my equipping...

I still feel woefully inadequate...

I still feel discouraged...

I still react in anger, out of fear and from my own broken-ness... 

and I am the adult in the room!

How do I erase the pain, the memories, the loss, the fear, the lack, the abuse? 

How do I ease the longing,...

the longing for a different story, a different beginning?

How do I fill those gaping holes in their hearts?

The answer is...

I don't but Jesus will.

So many conversations, so many prayers, so many unanswered questions and so many tears and yet so much growth, for us all. 

There are so many times that our needs are such that I can only muster up the strength to cry out to the Holy Spirit to intercede on our behalf as I am overwhelmed before I even utter a prayer. 

I don't always get it right and in fact, many times, I get it so wrong, but I know the Lord will heal them despite me and my fleshy brokenness.

I am no longer numb.

I am no longer sleepwalking through this American Dream.

I am awake and I am feeling and I am broken and I am mended.