The Run

I wrote this 2 years ago but never posted it. I have added an update to the bottom of the post.

Two Years Ago after a 5K Practice Run

There are good days and not so good days. 

There are moments that take my breath away and moments that threaten to consume me... 

and then there are these in between spaces... 

these spaces that are filled with triumph and struggle and joy and regret and pride and guilt and brokenness and redemption. 

When I set aside the busy and the battle of the every day, and watch as my children persevere, as they struggle and as they overcome... 

 I - am - undone and entirely depleted and this place is where I sat last week as I witnessed a battle, a battle between body and heart, a battle that is all too familiar around here but a battle that sometimes goes unnoticed  . 

There is an exhausting concoction of emotions when you embrace this kind of brokenness.

Some days take every ounce of me but it is in that depletion that I am most filled.  

Yesterday was bittersweet. As with so many of our days, our triumphs are tinged with a realization of our limitations. 

Lucy - just - wants - to - run. 

With one foot inescapably walking in her reality and the other dancing along the edge of her heart's desire, she balances victories and heart breaks every single day. In her innocent hope, she falls and gets back up over and over again, the Lord protecting her heart just as He did while she waited for us to come.

Yesterday was Lucy's practice 5K. She wondered how long it would take her. She wondered if she should use her walker. She wondered if her shoes were too big, but not once, not once, did she question whether she would be able to finish. 

She was concerned about my back and if I would be able to run with her, but I knew. I knew what her sweet hope did not and I struggle with this knowing. How to balance the hope and the reality; the hope and many times, the fall, it is a constant in my heart.

So with the hopefulness that IS Lucy, she raced and she fell and she got back up again and with every ounce of everything I had, everything that has come with His equipping, I picked her up, dusted her off and cheered her on. 

She did not complete the 5K but she completed one mile and we celebrated but it was bittersweet and she knew...

for a moment she knew but my Lucy knows where her hope is and it is not in her circumstances but in the One "who keeps watch over her as she comes and goes, both now and forever". 

And we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and we - go - on...

And the Actual 5K Race!

It was grueling for her but through sheer grit and determination, she pressed through! She took a couple of rides in the wheelchair but every single time she got in, she wanted to get right back out! I had to force her to stay in for a few minutes each time so those stubborn legs could rest. 

The first tears were shed as the race began and the last 5, almost 6 years of our lives went hopefully past us, smiling and full of anticipation. Chris and I held each other as Lucy's reality separated her from everyone else and I thanked God again for allowing us to be a part of something so hard yet so incredibly real.

We had quite the entourage with police and firemen following my girl as they were blown away by her perseverance! 

Quite a few times during the race, her legs would just succumb and she would stop and rest, never even thinking of stopping. Sometimes Caleb and I would hold her up but then she would dig deep and find what it took to keep walking.

Imagine the scene as we were nearing the finish line and turned the corner to see all of her teammates and coaches cheering her on.

As her coaches and teammates cheered her through the finish line, I could hear Charlie tell Caleb to "get her in the wheelchair". 

There were many times that I feared her legs would just quit. I never thought she would quit but those legs were pushed to the limit that day, yet she persevered. 

I cannot begin to imagine how hard that was for her. I know I felt as if I had been hit by a truck most of the day. 

There were so many emotions and not all of them good. 

There was joy at what she had accomplished but there was also sadness at what she has had to overcome...

but overcome she does and along the way we are changed and we are blessed and we are thankful because...

We could have missed this.

And we are so thankful that we didn't!

A huge thank you to Girls on the Run, Lucy's awesome coaches and all the amazing young ladies who rallied around her each and every practice. To see them walking along side her and cheering her through that finish line was something I will never forget!

And After Her 2nd 5K Run 5/2020!

Yep, her SECOND 5K...

and it was just as grueling and amazing as her first one!

Pic courtesy of C.G.

You are an inspiration, my Lucy. 

We tell her this all the time but that day... 

after her determination and her sheer grit inspired all who experienced the force of her will... 

my baby girl told us that we inspired her and that she wanted to grow up to be just like us. 

I don't deserve any of this. 

I wrote this about Lucy after a smaller run at school a couple of years ago:

"She didn't make the 5 laps but she made 2 and when she fell into my arms, I was the one fighting back tears. She needed me to be happy and excited and proud and I was but I was also heartbroken and angry and empty and defeated but as she looked up at me, expectantly and obviously disappointed, I mustered up every ounce of enthusiasm and excitement and pride I could and covered her in kisses and congratulations. Trying to steady my voice, I told her over and over, just how proud I was of her, waiting until the solitude of my car to break down and give in to the brokenness that permeates her life. 

This is hard y'all but the brokenness that we have stepped into has revealed to us the brokenness that we were steeped in, the kind of brokenness that lulls you into believing what the world tells you, the kind of brokenness that feels good, the kind of brokenness that surrounds comfort and security and self love, the kind of brokenness that lies to you and reassures your sense of "worthiness". This is the kind of brokenness that leaves you empty and numb. Allowing our children's kind of brokenness into our lives has broken our hearts for what breaks His and opened our eyes to a world far greater than the one that begins and ends with a white picket fence."

Lucy, in your brokenness, you are so beautiful.