Em's was a picture of me!
Apparently I have really long legs and a really big smile! I'll take it!
Lizzie's picture was a picture of me but...
It was a picture of me when Lizzie was in my tummy. Sigh. Sweet baby girl.
We have had the talk before, many times before. Lizzie and I have talked about it and cried about it and with each talk, I pray for just a bit more healing for her...
and me. You see, Lizzie just doesn't understand why she didn't grow in my tummy like her siblings did. Sometimes, the subject comes up because the kids ask to hear about their births.
We have Christian who was laid back, listened so well to the doctor's instructions, was born, looked at me and smiled! I know, I know, it was probably gas - but he smiled!
We have Charlie who told the doctor to take a hike cause I am coming out NOW and then scared the "ho hum" out of us.
We have Caleb who, well, just has a BIG head, a really BIG head, ouch!
We have Emmeline who was so nice to her Momma and even though she decided to show up on the day that Daddy had picked (not that we were betting or anything - heh), she didn't show up in the middle of the night and she was sooooo easy on me and she was a girl! After 3 boys... Nuf said! hehe!
Then we have our little Lizzie and whenever our sweet baby girl's siblings ask to hear about their births, Lizzie wants to hear about hers. It happens every time and every time my heart breaks just a bit more for my littlest one.
I tell her that I don't know what her birth was like but that I would guess that she was an itty bitty little baby and that I know she was cute, so so cute. I gently remind her that she did not grow in my tummy but that she grew in her birth momma's tummy. I tell her that even though she didn't grow in my tummy that she did grow in my heart and that I love her so very much and will love her forever. I then tell her of the day we first held her and she loves to hear that story. She even remembers the song that was playing on the video I made about that day, when her ayi finally placed her in my arms for the first time and while this helps, it doesn't stop the longing and the questions.
Lizzie usually thinks for a moment and then asks the unanswerable question, 'Why?"
To which I answer, "I don't know sweetheart but I do know that I love you and I do know that while I am sad that your birth family could not raise you, I am so very thankful that you are here, with us."
I always ask her if she understands and sometimes she says yes and sometimes she says no and we will continue our talk until she doesn't want to talk anymore.
While I cannot truly understand her loss, I do have a sense of her pain and her desire to have been in my tummy, to have that story, that connection.
I long for her to have grown in my tummy and to have known her as an itty bitty baby but I will never let her forget her birth family and I will always make certain she knows how incredibly grateful I am that they loved her enough to give her life - but that is a conversation for later.
For now, I will kiss her boo boos and praise her accomplishments, her many, many accomplishments, fuss at her when she needs it and tuck her in at night. I will comfort her in the dark and teach her about the Light!
I will always, always answer her questions and let her know that her grief will not affect the love we have for her - ever - that she has a safe haven to explore that grief and that we will be right by her side, because she is our daughter and we love her! I will never ever apologize for adopting her and her loss happened long before we found her, but I will always be there for her to listen and to comfort and to love!
To join in on Stefanie's wonderful Sunday Snapshot, go here,